Till divorce do us part
Unlike more western societies where divorce is projected as a sacrifice to modernity and carries with it very little indictment in more conservative countries the shame and scandal effect is much higher. Both words are archaic in that they seem tilted towards slaking the prying bloodlust of the neighbours rather than addressing the fragile texture of togetherness in the 21st century but they wriggle into the equation.
A pending divorce in the family is, therefore, seen as a mix between delicious agony and vicarious pleasure in that ‘now what’s next’ fashion so peculiar to the global middle class. One can neither deny the excitement that comes along with the utterances of deep regret nor the soaring flights of imagination engaged in by friends, relatives and outsiders on what must really have happened to cause the marriage to flounder upon the rocks and splinter so dramatically. Theories ricochet like billiard balls and few of them are bed-rocked in fact. For a society wedded until one generation ago to the larger family concept and still hypocritically languishing between female independence and surrender to the husband’s whims and those of his parents, his brothers, his sisters, their wives and husbands and other sundry relatives who might have a voice, the option of divorce is still anathema and is seen and unfolded as a major Greek tragedy.
Even if the estranged husband and wife have come to terms with their parting they will not be allowed to avoid the gauntlet. As such the third label of ‘stigma’ will attach itself with the tenacity of a ‘post it’ notepaper. It becomes mandatory to analyse and dissect the issue to its marrow.
For expat wives cheerfully away from the mother country the luxury of being sanguine about divorce or giving it a sort of genial ‘can’t be helped’ shrug is more indicative of their good fortune in not being within the harsh and unforgiving loop of social conduct, social hierarchy or social taxation (it has to be paid) at home. As the years pass in undemanding climes they forget where they came from and have this blasé ‘intellectual’ approach to traditional roles. So much so that the frailty of their marriages may not survive a premature return to the home country and the invasive, almost suffocating intrusions of the hordes of relatives that would manifest themselves sans permission into their lives.
It is a fact that women have gone a lot more on the offensive in recent years. They won’t tolerate being pushed around but Society per se doesn’t care. It comes down upon them with tremendous harshness and demands its pound of flesh. Only the toughest can take the heat.
After all, why do marriages fall apart?
·Unfaithfulness.
·The advent of technology and the exposure to TV and the blurring of the fact and fiction of cinematic plots.
·The husband’s double standards.
· The whole ‘clan’ barging in and running your life.
·The contempt of familiarity…the feeling of being cheated.
· The appearance of someone who ‘appreciates’ you more.
· Money.
·Parental interference.
· The scales falling off one partner’s eyes.
· Resentment at so much time invested in a sham, the rage, the fury, is this the first prize, no prince, no white steed.
·The horrible realisation that you no longer like the person you are married to but worse, you can’t find the energy to like him or her.
Unlike more western societies where divorce is projected as a sacrifice to modernity and carries with it very little indictment in more conservative countries the shame and scandal effect is much higher. Both words are archaic in that they seem tilted towards slaking the prying bloodlust of the neighbours rather than addressing the fragile texture of togetherness in the 21st century but they wriggle into the equation.
A pending divorce in the family is, therefore, seen as a mix between delicious agony and vicarious pleasure in that ‘now what’s next’ fashion so peculiar to the global middle class. One can neither deny the excitement that comes along with the utterances of deep regret nor the soaring flights of imagination engaged in by friends, relatives and outsiders on what must really have happened to cause the marriage to flounder upon the rocks and splinter so dramatically. Theories ricochet like billiard balls and few of them are bed-rocked in fact. For a society wedded until one generation ago to the larger family concept and still hypocritically languishing between female independence and surrender to the husband’s whims and those of his parents, his brothers, his sisters, their wives and husbands and other sundry relatives who might have a voice, the option of divorce is still anathema and is seen and unfolded as a major Greek tragedy.
Even if the estranged husband and wife have come to terms with their parting they will not be allowed to avoid the gauntlet. As such the third label of ‘stigma’ will attach itself with the tenacity of a ‘post it’ notepaper. It becomes mandatory to analyse and dissect the issue to its marrow.
For expat wives cheerfully away from the mother country the luxury of being sanguine about divorce or giving it a sort of genial ‘can’t be helped’ shrug is more indicative of their good fortune in not being within the harsh and unforgiving loop of social conduct, social hierarchy or social taxation (it has to be paid) at home. As the years pass in undemanding climes they forget where they came from and have this blasé ‘intellectual’ approach to traditional roles. So much so that the frailty of their marriages may not survive a premature return to the home country and the invasive, almost suffocating intrusions of the hordes of relatives that would manifest themselves sans permission into their lives.
It is a fact that women have gone a lot more on the offensive in recent years. They won’t tolerate being pushed around but Society per se doesn’t care. It comes down upon them with tremendous harshness and demands its pound of flesh. Only the toughest can take the heat.
After all, why do marriages fall apart?
·Unfaithfulness.
·The advent of technology and the exposure to TV and the blurring of the fact and fiction of cinematic plots.
·The husband’s double standards.
· The whole ‘clan’ barging in and running your life.
·The contempt of familiarity…the feeling of being cheated.
· The appearance of someone who ‘appreciates’ you more.
· Money.
·Parental interference.
· The scales falling off one partner’s eyes.
· Resentment at so much time invested in a sham, the rage, the fury, is this the first prize, no prince, no white steed.
·The horrible realisation that you no longer like the person you are married to but worse, you can’t find the energy to like him or her.
A mix of all these. In any number of combinations.
And the cruel, irrevocable fact that divorce, however prettily or sanely you dress it up, is a synonym for failure.
You can’t get away from that. Whatever the surface reasons and however logical they sound when you get to the bottom line it is just another failure...you couldn’t hack it, make it work, loser, loser, loser. LOSER, in all caps.
For the man, major trauma, a forever doubt against his credibility, a certain presumption that he can’t be all good.
For the woman, the hurt, the loneliness, the vulnerability, the fear, always the fear, of a damnation engineered by those who she once loved...friends, neighbours, relatives, a conspiracy so vast, so powerful, ostensibly because they resent her newly fought for ‘freedom’...it underscores their imprisonment.
Which is why only the very rich and the very poor can do want they want. The rest pay the price.
And if children are in that firing line they pay the largest fine for innocence.
And the cruel, irrevocable fact that divorce, however prettily or sanely you dress it up, is a synonym for failure.
You can’t get away from that. Whatever the surface reasons and however logical they sound when you get to the bottom line it is just another failure...you couldn’t hack it, make it work, loser, loser, loser. LOSER, in all caps.
For the man, major trauma, a forever doubt against his credibility, a certain presumption that he can’t be all good.
For the woman, the hurt, the loneliness, the vulnerability, the fear, always the fear, of a damnation engineered by those who she once loved...friends, neighbours, relatives, a conspiracy so vast, so powerful, ostensibly because they resent her newly fought for ‘freedom’...it underscores their imprisonment.
Which is why only the very rich and the very poor can do want they want. The rest pay the price.
And if children are in that firing line they pay the largest fine for innocence.
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