EDITORIAL : THE NEW STRAITS TIMES, MALAYSIA

 

 

Before self

IN the last two months, we've celebrated Mothers Day and Fathers Day. And though the days have been about honouring mothers and fathers and the role they play in building the family, essentially, both these days have been about the family and family togetherness.
For those lucky enough to have the experience of a happy, united family, the concept of the family might seem simple enough -- certainly something to be thankful for, but on the whole, something that could almost be taken for granted. Until compared with families who aren't happy, and aren't united. For these unfortunate families, the formula could seem illusive, and quite possibly, impossible to achieve.

What is a family? And why is a happy family something to be celebrated? And how is "family" different from "friends"? It is said that friends are "the family you choose for yourself" -- the family that one would choose if one had the benefit of choice, where everyone would be quite a perfect fit for the life and world of one's choosing.

The blood-family on the other hand, is the family into which one is born, and from which there is no escape; everyone is here to stay, and no one is going to go away. Love them or loathe them, they will always be your family. Ignore them, deny them, quarrel with them -- and they are still your family. So the only thing one can play with is whether it will be a happy one or an unhappy one.
Make no mistake: The happy family is not one in which everyone gets along all the time, nor the one that has no problems. The happy family is the one in which, no matter what happens, everyone is still committed to being family; where unhappiness or disagreement doesn't drive members to move next door to live with someone else's family permanently, or to tell other members to leave the family home. But does such a family just happen as a matter of luck? If children grow up to be close siblings for the rest of their lives, is this because of luck?

All siblings quarrel at some point; that's natural, because no one person is the same, so disagreements do occur. At the childhood stage, quarrels might centre on the sharing (or not) of toys; in the adult stage, the stakes get higher, and the quarrels get more serious. What determines how the quarrel turns out -- whether punches are thrown or threats are made, or whether mutual compromises are made -- depends on whether or not they understand that the family is important, and whether or not they are committed to keeping the family together. The secret to a strong, happy, united family is putting the family before self.